Conversation #1: The New York Institute of Massage
The phone rings. I answer it.
Woman: Hello, this is the Lou at the New York Institute of Massage. I'm looking for Adam. He was interested in our programs, and I just wanted to call to follow up with him.
Me: I'm sorry, he's not here.
Woman: Well, do you know if he's still interested in the program?
--Important Side Note: since my brother failed out of his auto-tech program at a state school, he has been working a string of strange jobs, the latest of which is at a tool company where he is an assistant manager/cashier, and it's sort of hard to tell exactly what, besides Hooters waitresses, he really IS interested in. Who goes from auto-tech to massage therapy? No one. No one except my brother.--
Me: Uhm, I really couldn't say.
Woman: Well, what about you, sweetie? Do you want to come to school here?
Me: I have a masters degree. I think I'm pretty much set for now. But thanks anyway.
Conversation # 2: My Brother, Parts 1 & 2
Adam: So, I'm headed out to the house. Me and the guys are gonna spend the night in the cabin.
Me: Are there gonna be any giiiiirls there?
Adam: No. NO! NOT AT ALL!
Mom: Sure there aren't.
Adam: Mo-om! There will be NO GIRLS THERE, OKAY? NONE. ZERO. WHY ARE YOU FLIPPING OUT LIKE THIS?
The next day. Adam popped into the house after his night in the cabin.
Adam: Listen, I need to tell you something. You can't say stuff like in front of Mom, okay? She doesn't want or need to know about what I'm doing back at the cabin.
Me: Adam, you're a moron. If you're going to lie, at least learn to do it well. The way you went insane, we totally knew what you were up to.
Adam: It's not a big deal, okay? I've known her since high school. She's of age. We're just friends with benefits.
Me: Oh my God, I think I'm going to throw up.
Conversation # 3: Josh's Mother, Step-Father, and Gay Cop Aunt
Last night I went to pick Josh up at his house. He and his whole family had just come home from a wedding reception down the street. All involved were completely drunk. I'm not kidding about any of this part, which is excerpted from my 10 minute stay.
Step-Father: Where did you come from?
Me: Uhm, Minnesota?
Step-Father: You just came in from Minnesota?
Me: Oh, right now? Hamburg. I was at a movie.
Step-Father: And how old are you? And where were you born? Where did you grow up? You and Josh are watching movies tonight? What kind of movies do you like?
Me: Wow. Well...
Gay Cop Aunt: You know what movie I like a lot? Sahara. Have you seen Sahara?
Me: Sort of. I fell asleep during it.
Gay Cop Aunt: Matthew McConaughey is in that movie. I would have sex with him.
Josh: But you're gay.
Gay Cop Aunt: So?
Me: He does have nice abs.
--Josh opens a beer.--
Mother: Josh, you don't need any more to drink.
Josh: Neither do you, Mother. Hey, Jess. I climbed a pole tonight. Without using my legs.
Step-Father: Do you like action movies, Jess? Dramas?
Gay Cop Aunt: Sahara's a great movie. So is Syriana. Have you seen that?
Step-Father: What street do you live on?
Gay Cop Aunt: What's your license plate? We'll run it after you leave.
Josh: She's kidding.
Mother: So what are you guys going to do?
Me: Watch movies.
Gay Cop Aunt: You know what movie I just thought of? A Time to Kill. Matthew McConaughey was so sweaty in that movie. And his ass in those pants? Amazing.
Josh: You're GAY. Your girlfriend is downstairs sleeping.
Step-Father: You grew up around here?
Me: Yeah, I did.
Josh: She went to Holland.
Step-Father: It's a way better school than yours, Josh.
Josh: It is not.
Step-Father: Yes it is. How did you two meet?
Josh: We worked together at the Hearth.
--Josh's mother drops a tortilla chip on the floor. Josh's Gay Cop Aunt reaches down to pick it up, but Josh's mother grinds it under her foot before she can get it.--
Mother: I think I need some water. You know, Josh talks about you all the time.
Step-Father: I think we've met before.
Josh: Jess, you should've seen this pole I climbed. It was amazing. And this old guy was climbing it, too. Want to go?
Gay Cop Aunt: Jess, I just want to tell you this: Click it, or ticket. Cops are cracking down everywhere.
Josh: Do you think I'd be a good cop?
Gay Cop Aunt: You're very sensitive. You'd be good at the counseling part of it.
Josh: I'm tough.
Step-Father: It's foggy out. Be careful. Watch for deer.
Me: Okay. It was nice to meet you all. Have a good night.
--Josh and I get in the car. We get ready to leave.--
Josh: That was my gay aunt. Isn't she cool?