Friday, March 16, 2007

News from L'Etoile du Nord

I am in Minnesota.

I arrived in Minnesota on Wednesday night, hours and hours later than I was supposed to. My flight out of Buffalo was canceled and the only thing the airline could do was give me a shrug, a grin, and a new ticket to, well, Atlanta. From Atlanta I would get on a plane to Minneapolis, they said. Doesn't seem right that you've got to go south to go north, they said, but it'll have to do. Then they told me I had to go out to the baggage claim, find my luggage, and check in all over again, and go through another bout of security--where, it turns out, I would be subjected to special selective screening and made to stand in a box that blew bursts of stinging air at me ("Close your eyes tight!" the security guard yelled to me as the doors swung closed) to see if any chemical particles blossomed in the air off of my clothes, hair, and skin. Afterward, my carry-on was torn apart and everything in it (camera, makeup, books, tampons) were swabbed and tested for explosive residue. It was a lovely day.

Since arriving, though, I have done the following things:

1. Watched Matt puke out the door of a moving car.
2. Gossiped over black beans and rice.
3. Eaten Jell-O shots that were molded in a deviled egg holder.
4. Drank cocktails from 4:00 PM to 2:00 AM.
5. Wrote limericks about Greg, scabies, skanky ladies, and all sorts of other things.
6. Learned new slang for vagina (quinny)
7. Watched Katy use JP's earrings as tassels such.
8. Petted the cornrowed head of a Midwestern farm boy.
9. Was yelled at by a man who owned a tattoo parlor.
10. Ate spiral mac-n-cheese at 3:00 AM.
11. Kept warm underneath a blanket (decorated with goldfish dressed up as sharks).
12. Had the new day greeted by Led Zeppelin on a hi-fi.
13. Ate 1,000 cream cheese wontons at my favorite Chinese restaurant.
14. Watched a certain someone turn all the ceramic duck ornaments in Target so that they appeared to be engaged in activities that would make any of us need to go to confession.

And there's more goodness to come.

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