#1
My Grandfather sits down for dinner. He folds a napkin on his lap and pats his stomach, which is covered in a shirt that's made out of a cotton printed with antique tractors.
Grandpa: This is my favorite tractor shirt.
Apparently he has more than one.
#2:
Mom: Is Marge coming, Dad?
Grandpa: No. Right now she's only breathing really hard.
#3:
Mom: Okay, I'm going to tell a joke. Ready?
Everyone Else: Yes.
Mom: Why do lesbians like Gander Mountain so much?
Everyone Else: Why?
Mom: Because they hate Dick's.
#4:
My Brother: Mom screams in the middle of the night when she's having nightmares. I've heard it before.
My Aunt: And did it sound like, "Oh, Jeff! Oh, Jeff!!"? Because that's not really a nightmare, Adam.
My Brother: Oh my God, I am going to throw up.
#5:
My Uncle: Alright, let's go. We need to go. I'm dying to show you what I got you for Christmas.
My Aunt: Oh yeah?
My Uncle: Yeah. Santa knows how much you like [devilish grin] roosters.
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