Monday, September 18, 2006

Why I Defiled Our Sixteenth President

On the phone last night Katy asked me why I was defiling our sixteenth president. She asked me this because it's what I had spent part of my week doing. Sort of. When I arrived at Amy and Becky's apartment on Friday night, ready for all sorts of birthday celebration goodness, I saw there was a bust of Abe Lincoln stuffed into a box by the front door.

He was pale. He was hand-painted. His eyebrows were thick and lush.

I asked the girls why on earth there was a homemade bust of Abe Lincoln just hanging out in their living room. Turns out that Amy's mother had unearthed it from some stash in their attic and thought that Amy might be able to get some use out of it. After all, she's teaching social studies, and what better to teach it with than a mildly creepy bust of Honest Abe?

Now, I think it's important we point something out. I do strange things. Consistently. And what I was about to do with the bust of Abe Lincoln I had done before. Many, many times. I've done it with a poster of Britney Spears, with Kogepan, even with a MS Paint drawing of Ryan Havely.

I've taken pictures with them. Strange, quirky, sometimes naughty pictures. And when I looked down at Abe and when Abe looked up at me--well, I knew what we had to do. Plus there were tippy glasses full of Appletinis, so it just seemed right.

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Look! It's a surprise visitor! It's Abe Lincoln! And, why, look at that--he's brought Becky a bouquet of flowers to congratulate her on her impending wedding! So thoughtful, Abe!

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Shortly after his arrival, Abe got into the Appletinis. There's nothing our sixteenth president likes more than a fine Appletini. After he had a few, he sang the national anthem and peed off the balcony.

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Amy snuggled close and sat on Abe's lap--err, the place where Abe should've had a lap if he hadn't been made into a creepy bust.

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Here's a little known fact: Abe Lincoln pukes from his forehead. You heard it here first.

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After he puked, Abe rallied. He said, "Bring on the tequila!"

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Abe showed us his fine stalker moves. Creepy pale floating head!

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As the night drew to a close, Abe got a little fresh. And when I was trying to take the pictures that proved he was being a fresh president, I couldn't stop laughing.

He showed us a fine night, that Abraham Lincoln. And to continue the fine weekend, the next day I got to go to a birthday party thrown by mother. She made one of my favorite meals: garlicky pork roast, scalloped potatoes, corn. Then she brought out the giraffe cake.

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There he is with his licorice tree and the grassy hills on which he roams. I ate his head. It was delicious.

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My brother got me corned beef hash for my birthday. I was super excited by this. I love corned beef hash. He knows me so well. I'm surprised he was able to get out bed after hearing the news about Hooters closing, but I was pleased he was able to get some shopping in for his dear sister's birthday.

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Another exciting moment that proves how much of a nerd I am? I got a subscription to Good Housekeeping and I was ecstatic.

Happy, happy birthday to me!


Jean. said...

Well, you really remind me of me sometimes. Totally take that as a compliment.

Heh. Abe Lincoln.

Diana said...
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Diana said...

I wish I had that Abe head for my next Good Thunder party.

How will I hostess without you? How will I come up with exciting ways to award prizes?

Kristin said...

I love Abe Lincoln!

And by the way, to celebrate your birthday, I bought some boots. As I flashed my VanGogh Starry Night Platinum credit card I said, "These are for Jess. Okay they are for me in honor of Jess. Happy Birthday Jess and happy boots to me."


Jason said...

I'm envious. Nobody gets me corned beef hash for my birthday. Your brother might be cheap, but he shops smart. Go Hash!

Casey Sween said...

Did your mother take that picture of you and the giraffe cake and YOUR BOOBS!!?? That was not a wholesome happy birthday picture. Your mom was probably remembering back to days where you wore little lacey dresses and pigtails while holding the cake she spent hours on. Not a skimpky tanktop that shows off the goods to God and everyone (and Grandma). I bet you were the girl who lifted your little lacey dress to show everyone your new panties underneath.

Who am I kidding? I did that last week. Glad to hear your birthday was so splendid, though I would have been happier with a can of SPAM over hash.

Anskov said...

Bigmouth Hungry! Eat hash!

(tell me someone got this reference)

Just This Girl said...

1. Jean: I totally do take that as a compliment.

2. PG: It's all about E-bay. Do you know how many truly strange things you can find on E-bay? Start looking now. I will too.

3. Kristin: My God, don't make me jealous about the boots. I am glad you honored me/yourself in such a way.

4. Jason: My brother has more money to spend now that Hooters shut its doors.

5. Katy: No, my mother did NOT take the photo of my cake/boobs. Her boyfriend's eleven year old son did. And I'm not kidding. Shut up.

6. Matty: Definitely no comprendo.