Heard Around the Easter Table

My Mother's Boyfriend's Possibly Gay Black-belt Son

Me: This ham is delicious.

My Cousin: Yup, great ham.

Mother's Boyfriend's Possibly Gay Black-belt Son: So, this year I got drunk on New Year's.

Me, My Cousin, My Aunt: Whaaat?

MBPGBS: Yeah, I did. We were so crazy. We were down in the basement and the parents were upstairs. We kept running around and giggling and screaming.

My Aunt: Did you find a liquor cabinet or something?

Me: Or some beer?

MBPGBS: No.

Me: What did you have then? Where did you get it?

MBPGBS: Oh, the adults gave it to us.

Everyone: Whaaat?

MBPGBS: Yeah, they gave us sparkling grape juice. Man, we were so drunk. I had a hangover later. Hey, you wanna know what else is cool? Freezing BBs and then shooting them at people.



My Grandfather

Grandpa: You want to know what Easter reminds me of?

Us: What?

Grandpa: Killing baby chickens on the farm.

Us: Oh.



My Brother

Adam: Do you want to hear the real story of that time I got lit on fire and burned my leg?

Me: Yes.

Adam's Friends: Yes.

Adam: Well, we were back at the cabin. Just me and the cousins. We had a bonfire going, but there was this stump that was bothering us. We wanted that stump out of there. So we devised a plan. A good plan. We had it all worked out.

Me: And you were unsupervised.

Adam: Oh yeah. Totally unsupervised. We had a Snapple bottle full of gasoline, so we decided we were going to douse this stump in gasoline because we'd already tried to chop it apart and that didn't work. So we started a fire on the stump but it wasn't going as good as we wanted it to, so the cousins started tossing more gasoline on it. Well, the fire started going everywhere. It was spreading into the woods.

Me: You were starting forest fires.

Adam: Well, it wasn't our intention. We just didn't like that stump. So we all started stomping it out, but that wasn't working. And the bottle had fallen on the ground by that point, and it was setting everything on fire, so I tried to kick it out of the way. But when I kicked it, it spun around and spewed gas on me. And I didn't really know what was happening. I tried to stop, drop, and roll... what a bunch of bullshit that is. You know how they always teach that? Well, it didn't work. I was still on fire. And that's when David came running out of the cabin and launched himself at me. He smothered my leg with his body and a towel. He saved my life. And that was the end of my leg hair.